I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Quote by Groucho Marx

Topics: Groucho Marx Quotes

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can...

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can...

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for...

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for...

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with...

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with...

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas...

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas...

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff...

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff...

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And...

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And...

Dont ever underestimate the importance of money. I know its often been said that money...

Dont ever underestimate the importance of money. I know its often been said that money...

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas...

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas...

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough

My wife's in judge of me, Murdered in cold blood is what I'm gonna be,...

My wife's in judge of me, Murdered in cold blood is what I'm gonna be,...

There isn't a wife in the world who has not taken the exact measure of...

There isn't a wife in the world who has not taken the exact measure of...