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My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the...

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the...

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world...

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world...

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put...

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put...

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, Get the...

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, Get the...

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...