My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

Quote by Joan Rivers

Topics: Joan Rivers Quotes

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world...

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world...

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience...

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience...

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call...

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call...

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call...

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call...

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through...

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through...

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or...

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or...

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are...

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are...

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your...

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your...

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your...

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your...

Dont talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

Dont talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

Bodily decay is gloomy in prospect, but of all human contemplations the most abhorrent is...

Bodily decay is gloomy in prospect, but of all human contemplations the most abhorrent is...

Im going to be eighty soon, and I guess the one thing that puzzles me...

Im going to be eighty soon, and I guess the one thing that puzzles me...

Hey hope you have a special Valentines Day! You really are beautiful and sweet, I...

Hey hope you have a special Valentines Day! You really are beautiful and sweet, I...