It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Quote by Joan Rivers

Topics: Joan Rivers Quotes

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through...

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through...

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

He who limps is still walking.

He who limps is still walking.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put...

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if...

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if...

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the...

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the...

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of...

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of...

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call...

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call...

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.