I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Quote by Groucho Marx

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have...

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have...

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Blood's not thicker than money.

Blood's not thicker than money.

Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy

Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff...

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff...

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an...

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an...

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to...

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to...

Youre a woman whos been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and...

Youre a woman whos been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and...

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog...

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog...

When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began...

When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began...

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was...

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was...

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

After a day spent staring at a computer monitor, think of (a) book as a...

After a day spent staring at a computer monitor, think of (a) book as a...

Breasts like granite and a brain like swiss cheese.

Breasts like granite and a brain like swiss cheese.