I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Quote by Groucho Marx

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas...

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas...

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Youre a woman whos been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and...

Youre a woman whos been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and...

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to...

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to...

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog...

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog...

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can...

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can...

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These...

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These...

Home is where you hang your head

Home is where you hang your head

I've learned that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the...

I've learned that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the...

There are no such things as limits to growth, because there are no limits to...

There are no such things as limits to growth, because there are no limits to...

Often, its not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant...

Often, its not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant...

A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late.

A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late.