I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Quote by Groucho Marx

Topics: Funny Quotes

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas...

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas...

Life lives, life dies. Life laughs, life cries. Life gives up and life tries. But...

Life lives, life dies. Life laughs, life cries. Life gives up and life tries. But...

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with...

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with...

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can...

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can...

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Blood's not thicker than money.

Blood's not thicker than money.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow...

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow...

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was...

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was...

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I...

I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I...

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff...

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff...

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually...

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually...

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.