I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Quote by Groucho Marx

Topics: Funny Quotes

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually...

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually...

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Blood's not thicker than money.

Blood's not thicker than money.

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly...

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly...

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These...

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These...

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow...

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow...

Do you mind if I don't smoke ?

Do you mind if I don't smoke ?

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into...

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into...

No man goes before his time unless the boss leaves early.

No man goes before his time unless the boss leaves early.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for...

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for...

Dum spiro, spero (Latin), While I breath, I hope.

Dum spiro, spero (Latin), While I breath, I hope.

They can conquer who believe they can. He has not learned the first lesson in...

They can conquer who believe they can. He has not learned the first lesson in...