So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said My dog's died.'

Quote by Tim Vine

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with...

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with...

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said...

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said...

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in...

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in...

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the...

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the...

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm...

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm...

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in...

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in...

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing...

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing...

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people...

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people...

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang...

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang...

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have...

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have...

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a...

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a...

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people...

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people...

[Reporter: How did you find America?] We turned left at Greenland.

[Reporter: How did you find America?] We turned left at Greenland.

No One Diets on Thanksgiving. What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set...

No One Diets on Thanksgiving. What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set...

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

Laughing at your own joke so hard that you can barely tell it.

Laughing at your own joke so hard that you can barely tell it.