I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't met me yet

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Hilarious Quotes, Life Quotes

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex. In fact, I...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex. In fact, I...

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I hope some day to make you all a cup of coffee. Alright, peace.

I hope some day to make you all a cup of coffee. Alright, peace.

All men are created Equal. Some just have more Splenda.

All men are created Equal. Some just have more Splenda.

The old philosophy was that parents, especially mothers, caused their kids to become schizophrenic. Now...

The old philosophy was that parents, especially mothers, caused their kids to become schizophrenic. Now...