Never floss with a stranger.

Quote by Joan Rivers

Topics: Funny Quotes

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, Get the...

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, Get the...

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call...

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call...

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put...

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put...

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world...

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world...

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the...

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the...

Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if...

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

But probably every age gets, within certain limits, the science it deserves.

But probably every age gets, within certain limits, the science it deserves.

One must be a god to be able to tell successes from failures without making...

One must be a god to be able to tell successes from failures without making...