The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

Quote by Joan Rivers

Topics: Christmas Quotes, Funny Quotes

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call...

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call...

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your...

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your...

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world...

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world...

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if...

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if...

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the...

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the...

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through...

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through...

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to...

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to...

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your...

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for...

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for...

This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some...

This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some...

The smallest number, with God and truth on their side, are weightier than thousands

The smallest number, with God and truth on their side, are weightier than thousands