I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Quote by George Carlin

Topics: George Carlin Quotes

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough...

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough...

The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity

The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called...

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called...

Think off-center.

Think off-center.

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it

The status quo sucks.

The status quo sucks.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience...

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience...

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them...

Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them...

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is

When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How...

When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How...

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

The trouble with young writers is that they are all in their sixties.

The trouble with young writers is that they are all in their sixties.

Everyone is entitled to their own incorrect opinion.

Everyone is entitled to their own incorrect opinion.