Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Quote by George Carlin

Topics: George Carlin Quotes

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I...

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I...

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait...

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait...

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going...

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony...

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony...

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School...

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School...

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As...

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As...

When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How...

When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How...

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good...

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good...

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to...

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to...

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem

Good questions outrank easy answers.

Good questions outrank easy answers.

Given any particular problem, the number of incorrect solutions is infinitely larger than the number...

Given any particular problem, the number of incorrect solutions is infinitely larger than the number...

A solved problem creates two new problems, and the best prescription for happy living is...

A solved problem creates two new problems, and the best prescription for happy living is...