By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

Quote by George Burns

Topics: Age Quotes, Funny Quotes

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good...

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good...

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have...

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have...

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die...

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die...

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and...

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and...

Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what...

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what...

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper...

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper...

Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.

Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I...

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I...

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

How can I die? I'm booked.

How can I die? I'm booked.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than...

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than...

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman -...

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman -...

Happiness does not lie in happiness, but in the achievement of it.

Happiness does not lie in happiness, but in the achievement of it.

Happiness is a matter of one's most ordinary and everyday mode of consciousness being busy...

Happiness is a matter of one's most ordinary and everyday mode of consciousness being busy...