Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

Quote by George Burns

Topics: Drink Quotes, Funny Quotes

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides,...

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides,...

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only...

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only...

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember...

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember...

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my...

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my...

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper...

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper...

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good...

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good...

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die...

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die...

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased...

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased...

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

How can I die? I'm booked.

How can I die? I'm booked.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than...

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than...

Success is doing ordinary things extraordinarily well.

Success is doing ordinary things extraordinarily well.

We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes. We...

We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes. We...

His success may be great, but be it ever so great the wheel of fortune...

His success may be great, but be it ever so great the wheel of fortune...