The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Phyllis Diller Quotes

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to...

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to...

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you...

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you...

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty...

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick...

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick...

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...