The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Phyllis Diller Quotes

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three...

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three...

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from...

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you...

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you...

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,...

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,...

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...