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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk...

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

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Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,...

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,...

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I...

Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I...

Weve all met people who are supposedly incredibly intelligent but dont know which way to...

Weve all met people who are supposedly incredibly intelligent but dont know which way to...

At 60 the sexual preoccupation, when it hits you, seems sometimes sharper, as if it...

At 60 the sexual preoccupation, when it hits you, seems sometimes sharper, as if it...