I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

Quote by Emo Philips

Topics: Funny Quotes, Happy Quotes

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and...

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at...

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at...

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved...

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things...

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things...

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to...

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to...

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I...

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I...

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries,...

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries,...

No matter what age you are, or what your circumstances might be, you are special,...

No matter what age you are, or what your circumstances might be, you are special,...

Man has no Body distinct from his Soul; for that called Body is a portion...

Man has no Body distinct from his Soul; for that called Body is a portion...

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants...

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants...

Old age is not a joy, but death is not a gain.

Old age is not a joy, but death is not a gain.

Law not served by power is an illusion; but power not ruled by law is...

Law not served by power is an illusion; but power not ruled by law is...

I've risen from the dead. Though sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I...

I've risen from the dead. Though sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I...

At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I...

At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I...

Women only have trouble parking because we are constantly lied to about what 8 inches...

Women only have trouble parking because we are constantly lied to about what 8 inches...

Give me one friend, just one, who meets the needs of all my varying moods.

Give me one friend, just one, who meets the needs of all my varying moods.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes....

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes....