Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Quote by Emo Philips

Topics: Funny Quotes

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to...

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at...

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things...

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things...

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and...

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and...

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down....

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down....

One of the hallmarks of the baby boomer generation is that it doesnt live like...

One of the hallmarks of the baby boomer generation is that it doesnt live like...

The fact that poetry is not of the slightest economic or political importance, that is...

The fact that poetry is not of the slightest economic or political importance, that is...

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.

Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.

Im convinced that God gave us Mondays to punish us for the things we did...

Im convinced that God gave us Mondays to punish us for the things we did...

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only...

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only...

From the moment of birth, when the stone-age baby confronts the twentieth-century mother, the baby...

From the moment of birth, when the stone-age baby confronts the twentieth-century mother, the baby...

The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is...

The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is...

You're only as good as your last haircut.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.

My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.

When the girlfriend and I get in an argument, I begin to believe in flying...

When the girlfriend and I get in an argument, I begin to believe in flying...

Of course, it's very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to...

Of course, it's very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to...

When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up,...

When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up,...

More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky,...

More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky,...