I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

Quote by Emo Philips

Topics: Murder Quotes, Time Quotes

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down....

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down....

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved...

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved...

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at...

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at...

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things...

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things...

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and...

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and...

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

I quit flying years ago. I don't want to die with tourists.

I quit flying years ago. I don't want to die with tourists.

Learning is an ornament in prosperity, a refuge in adversity, and a provision in old...

Learning is an ornament in prosperity, a refuge in adversity, and a provision in old...

My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.

My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.

Gainfully unemployed, very proud of it, too.

Gainfully unemployed, very proud of it, too.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take...

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take...

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught...

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught...

Im too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I...

Im too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I...

How the hell should I know? Most of the people my age are dead. You...

How the hell should I know? Most of the people my age are dead. You...

Drama is life with the dull bits left out.

Drama is life with the dull bits left out.

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.

My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.

Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.