I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

Quote by Emo Philips

Topics: Murder Quotes, Time Quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at...

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at...

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and...

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and...

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things...

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved...

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved...

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down....

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down....

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take...

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take...

Happy Leap Day...An extra day to deal with stupid people.

Happy Leap Day...An extra day to deal with stupid people.

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.

Kelsey Grammer has launched his own website to refute stories about him in the tabloids.

Kelsey Grammer has launched his own website to refute stories about him in the tabloids.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

I don't worry about it because we are all growing old. If I were the...

I don't worry about it because we are all growing old. If I were the...

In the end, everything is a gag.

In the end, everything is a gag.

Over the past 50 years Bob Hope employed 88 joke writers who supplied him with...

Over the past 50 years Bob Hope employed 88 joke writers who supplied him with...

In this age of electronic money, investors are no longer seduced by a financial 'dance...

In this age of electronic money, investors are no longer seduced by a financial 'dance...

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely...

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely...

I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.

I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.

Be believing, be happy, don't get discouraged. Things will work out.

Be believing, be happy, don't get discouraged. Things will work out.