I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

Quote by Emo Philips

Topics: Murder Quotes, Time Quotes

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and...

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved...

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved...

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things...

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at...

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at...

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down....

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down....

The pyramids themselves, doting with age, have forgotten the names of their founders.

The pyramids themselves, doting with age, have forgotten the names of their founders.

Today is 'Take our Daughters to Work Day.' This is when girls ages Nine to...

Today is 'Take our Daughters to Work Day.' This is when girls ages Nine to...

In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it...

In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it...

Learning is an ornament in prosperity, a refuge in adversity, and a provision in old...

Learning is an ornament in prosperity, a refuge in adversity, and a provision in old...

Milton Berle is an inspiration to every young person that wants to get into show...

Milton Berle is an inspiration to every young person that wants to get into show...

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The...

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The...

My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail.

My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail.

Let's have some new cliches.

Let's have some new cliches.

Each age has deemed the new-born year. The fittest time for festal cheer.

Each age has deemed the new-born year. The fittest time for festal cheer.

When your bank account is so overdrawn that it is positively photographic, steps must be...

When your bank account is so overdrawn that it is positively photographic, steps must be...

The worst feature of a new baby is its mothers singing.

The worst feature of a new baby is its mothers singing.

If Monday was a person, it'd be a Ginger...

If Monday was a person, it'd be a Ginger...

More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky,...

More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky,...