I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Quote by Joan Rivers

Topics: Funny Quotes

Never floss with a stranger.

Never floss with a stranger.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put...

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the...

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the...

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is...

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is...

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, Get the...

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, Get the...

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

He who limps is still walking.

He who limps is still walking.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if...

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if...

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive...

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive...

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the...

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the...

Dont talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

Dont talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to...

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to...

Men weren't really the enemy - they were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine...

Men weren't really the enemy - they were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine...

I write against the religion because if women want to live like human beings, they...

I write against the religion because if women want to live like human beings, they...