Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Quote by Emo Philips

Topics: Funny Quotes

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and...

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and...

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to...

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle....

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at...

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at...

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things...

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things...

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down....

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down....

Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.

Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef...

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef...

I really like to have sweet people around me. I can't stand bad asses. There's...

I really like to have sweet people around me. I can't stand bad asses. There's...

Never fight an inanimate object.

Never fight an inanimate object.

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

I know a baseball star who wouldn't report the theft of his wife's credit cards...

I know a baseball star who wouldn't report the theft of his wife's credit cards...

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that...

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that...

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others...

Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others...

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a...

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a...

Let us be lazy in everything, except in loving and drinking, except in being lazy.

Let us be lazy in everything, except in loving and drinking, except in being lazy.

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over...

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...