Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others are talking.
Funny Facebook Status Quotes
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals...
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and...
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said...
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
If you dont know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
Mathematics consists in proving the most obvious thing in the least obvious way.
Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs,...
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Life is like a ten-speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
In my youth I stressed freedom, and in my old age I stress order. I...
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
It is probable that there is no one thing that it is of eminent importance...
At your age The hey-day in the blood is tame, it's humble.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it...
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but...
I named my hard drive 'That Ass' so once a month my computer asks me...
On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking,...
I speak twelve languages. English is the bestest