At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Age Quotes, Funny Quotes

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said...

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only...

Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only...

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.