My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...