Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

#Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's...

#Rodney Dangerfield

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

#Arguments

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

#Cheating, #Soul

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

#Drinking

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

#Emotion

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

#Food, #Sex

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

#Fathers, #Funny

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

#Ugliness

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

#Marriage, #Relationships, #Wives

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

#Funny, #Money

My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

#Boyfriend, #Funny