Quotes by Joan Rivers

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put...

#Exercise

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

#Food

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through...

#Optimism

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

#Smile

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call...

#Gifts, #God, #The Present

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

#Twins

Dont talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

#Ageing, #Valentines Day

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of...

#Funny, #Religious

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is...

#Christmas, #Funny

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

#Funny, #God

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your...

#Hilarious, #Love