I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Quote by Joan Rivers

Topics: Funny Quotes, God Quotes

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put...

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put...

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your...

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your...

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive...

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive...

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later...

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later...

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your...

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your...

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to...

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to...

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is...

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is...

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are...

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are...

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if...

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if...

Those who won our independence... valued liberty as an end and as a means. They...

Those who won our independence... valued liberty as an end and as a means. They...

Happiness is an attitude of mind, born of the simple determination to be happy under...

Happiness is an attitude of mind, born of the simple determination to be happy under...