You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

Quote by Tommy Cooper

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and...

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and...

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage...

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage...

So a man jumps into a taxi and says King Arthur's close and the taxi...

So a man jumps into a taxi and says King Arthur's close and the taxi...

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking...

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking...

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you...

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you...

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser...

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser...

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and...

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and...

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note...

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note...

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside...

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside...

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog...

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog...

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog...

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog...

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old...

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old...

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the...

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the...

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks....

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks....

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go...

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go...

Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of...

Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of...

There's terrific merit in having no sense of humour, no sense of irony, practically no...

There's terrific merit in having no sense of humour, no sense of irony, practically no...

So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said...

So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said...