Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Quote by Tommy Cooper

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go...

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go...

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs...

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs...

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking...

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking...

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and...

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and...

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the...

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the...

So a man jumps into a taxi and says King Arthur's close and the taxi...

So a man jumps into a taxi and says King Arthur's close and the taxi...

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage...

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage...

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?'...

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?'...

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog...

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog...

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note...

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note...

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you...

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you...

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old...

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old...

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the...

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the...

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and...

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and...

Hope is the last thing a person does before they are defeated.

Hope is the last thing a person does before they are defeated.

Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent

Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent

Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind,...

Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind,...

I paint objects as I think them, not as I see them.

I paint objects as I think them, not as I see them.