If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Funny Quotes, Happy Quotes

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

Those who decide to use leisure as a means of mental development, who love good...

Those who decide to use leisure as a means of mental development, who love good...

All lovers swear more performance than they are able

All lovers swear more performance than they are able

Love is like hunting, you can begin when you like and stop when you can.

Love is like hunting, you can begin when you like and stop when you can.