If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Funny Quotes, Happy Quotes

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love

Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love

The more one judges, the less one loves.

The more one judges, the less one loves.

I don't like that man. I'm going to have to get to know him better.

I don't like that man. I'm going to have to get to know him better.