If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Funny Quotes, Happy Quotes

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

Only to the extent that someone is living out this self transcendence of human existence...

Only to the extent that someone is living out this self transcendence of human existence...

To be able to look back upon ones life in satisfaction, is to live twice.

To be able to look back upon ones life in satisfaction, is to live twice.

For better or worse, you must play your own little instrument in the orchestra of...

For better or worse, you must play your own little instrument in the orchestra of...