If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Funny Quotes, Happy Quotes

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

The truth is, I do indulge myself a little the more in pleasure, knowing that...

The truth is, I do indulge myself a little the more in pleasure, knowing that...

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad...

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad...

Baseball is like church. Many attend, few understand.

Baseball is like church. Many attend, few understand.

And the thing about my jokes is, they don't hurt anybody. You can take 'em...

And the thing about my jokes is, they don't hurt anybody. You can take 'em...