Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Quote by W C Fields

Topics: W C Fields Quotes

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to...

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to...

I only drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for...

I only drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for...

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I drink therefore I am.

I drink therefore I am.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid...

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid...

It was a woman who drove me to drink -- and, you know, I never...

It was a woman who drove me to drink -- and, you know, I never...

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was...

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was...

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn...

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn...

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to...

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to...

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants...

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants...

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.

Any fool knows men and women think differently at times, but the biggest difference is...

Any fool knows men and women think differently at times, but the biggest difference is...