Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Quote by W C Fields

Topics: W C Fields Quotes

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy...

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy...

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was...

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was...

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple...

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple...

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid...

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid...

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what...

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what...

I never met a kid I liked.

I never met a kid I liked.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep...

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep...

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to...

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to...

A wonderful drink, wine. . . . Did you ever hear of an Italian grape...

A wonderful drink, wine. . . . Did you ever hear of an Italian grape...

Never give a sucker an even break.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and...

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and...

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like...

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like...