I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Quote by Henry Youngman

Topics: Funny Quotes, Love Quotes

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to...

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to...

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the...

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the...

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I...

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I...

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the...

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the...

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up they have no holidays.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up they have no holidays.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock.

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my...

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

We are bound no longer by the straitjacket of the past and nowhere is the...

We are bound no longer by the straitjacket of the past and nowhere is the...

And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and...

And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and...

I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out...

I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out...

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.