I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Quote by Henry Youngman

Topics: Funny Quotes, Love Quotes

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the...

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the...

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I...

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I...

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to...

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the...

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no...

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no...

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I...

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I...

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock

Let us be lazy in everything, except in loving and drinking, except in being lazy.

Let us be lazy in everything, except in loving and drinking, except in being lazy.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

Be in the habit of getting up bright and early on the weekends. Why waste...

Be in the habit of getting up bright and early on the weekends. Why waste...

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.