I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Quote by Henry Youngman

Topics: Funny Quotes, Love Quotes

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I...

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my...

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my...

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no...

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no...

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I...

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I...

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the...

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the...

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock.

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up they have no holidays.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up they have no holidays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Most people aren't appreciated enough, and the bravest things we do in our lives are...

Most people aren't appreciated enough, and the bravest things we do in our lives are...

Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything, and when they grow older, they know...

Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything, and when they grow older, they know...

Money, horse racing and women, three things the boys just can't figure out.

Money, horse racing and women, three things the boys just can't figure out.