I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up they have no holidays.

Quote by Henry Youngman

Topics: Funny Quotes, Holiday Quotes

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to...

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to...

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock.

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the...

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the...

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I...

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds...

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds...

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my...

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my...

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I...

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I...

Weekend planning is a prime time to apply the Deathbed Priority Test: On your deathbed,...

Weekend planning is a prime time to apply the Deathbed Priority Test: On your deathbed,...

Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?

Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old...

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old...