I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up they have no holidays.

Quote by Henry Youngman

Topics: Funny Quotes, Holiday Quotes

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the...

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the...

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no...

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no...

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock.

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock.

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I...

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I...

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my...

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my...

This is the curse of our age, that even the strangest aberrations are no cure...

This is the curse of our age, that even the strangest aberrations are no cure...

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Nobody cares that youre smart and nobody cares that your kids dont have bruises.

Nobody cares that youre smart and nobody cares that your kids dont have bruises.

A book does not make bad jokes, drink too much or eat more than you...

A book does not make bad jokes, drink too much or eat more than you...