Quotes by Henry Youngman

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I...

#Funny, #Jokes

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the...

#Funny, #Jokes

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I...

#Funny, #Jokes

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

#Funny, #Jokes

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my...

#Funny, #Jokes

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

#Funny, #Marriage

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds...

#Funny, #Love

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

#Drink, #Funny

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

#Women

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

#Love, #Meaning, #Men And Women

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

#Education

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock.

#Money