When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Quote by Henry Youngman

Topics: Drink Quotes, Funny Quotes

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the...

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the...

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to...

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no...

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my...

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my...

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the...

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the...

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up they have no holidays.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up they have no holidays.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock

I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds...

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds...

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I...

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I...

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Life's too short to hide feelings, express how you feel. You never know if they...

Life's too short to hide feelings, express how you feel. You never know if they...

Staring at a hot guy and thinking...We are going to make beautiful babies.

Staring at a hot guy and thinking...We are going to make beautiful babies.

Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted.

Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in...

I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in...

With pain, with gain.

With pain, with gain.

What is the meaning of life? To be happy and useful.

What is the meaning of life? To be happy and useful.

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all...

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all...

Tenderness is a virtue.

Tenderness is a virtue.