I probably could stand a chance on American Idol if I could bring my shower on stage.

Topics: Funny Facebook Status Quotes, TV Series Quotes

I realized Facebook was a drug when I caught myself sneaking into the bathroom at...

I realized Facebook was a drug when I caught myself sneaking into the bathroom at...

Anytime a bird takes a crap on my car, I eat an entire plate of...

Anytime a bird takes a crap on my car, I eat an entire plate of...

That awkward moment during a test and you don't know any of the answers, so...

That awkward moment during a test and you don't know any of the answers, so...

Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed...

Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed...

That one annoying relative who comments on everything you do on Facebook.

That one annoying relative who comments on everything you do on Facebook.

I always write 'Wake Up' on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one...

I always write 'Wake Up' on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one...

Laughter is always the best medicine... unless you have diarrhea.

Laughter is always the best medicine... unless you have diarrhea.

One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling 'Help! Shark!...

One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling 'Help! Shark!...

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons...

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons...

If strippers can be called exotic dancers, then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacist.

If strippers can be called exotic dancers, then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacist.

That uncomfortable moment when you're in the car and you look at the people in...

That uncomfortable moment when you're in the car and you look at the people in...

Spent the entire night trying to create a website for women drivers, but it kept...

Spent the entire night trying to create a website for women drivers, but it kept...

Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but...

Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but...

Don't do drugs kids. There's a time and place for everything. It's called college.

Don't do drugs kids. There's a time and place for everything. It's called college.

I've always wanted to get into a cab and yell, 'Follow that car!!!'

I've always wanted to get into a cab and yell, 'Follow that car!!!'

Today I saw a baby with a bib that said 'This dumbass put my cape...

Today I saw a baby with a bib that said 'This dumbass put my cape...

I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order...

I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order...

Going to the toy store, pressing the 'TRY ME' button on a toy and it...

Going to the toy store, pressing the 'TRY ME' button on a toy and it...

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'

To me, he's a hero, ... He's not polite. He's not someone you want to...

To me, he's a hero, ... He's not polite. He's not someone you want to...