I once made love to a female clown, and she twisted my penis into a poodle.
Quote by Dan Whitney
I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my...
I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's...
We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on...
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the...
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on...
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And...
We are not limited by our old age; we are liberated by it.
Five-second fuses only last three seconds.
Laughing at our friends, we avenge the disappointment they have caused.
To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of...
The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing...
Knowledge in youth is wisdom in age.
It's easy to fool the eye but it's hard to fool the heart.
Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked...
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.