Roger Ebert has had his right thumb trademarked. Now the police will actually have to pay him if he ever has to give a thumbprint.

Quote by Andy Waits

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

Kelsey Grammer has launched his own website to refute stories about him in the tabloids.

Kelsey Grammer has launched his own website to refute stories about him in the tabloids.

While he was talking at Baylor University, President Bush said, Times are kind of tough....

While he was talking at Baylor University, President Bush said, Times are kind of tough....

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely...

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely...

Women are deep beautiful blue oceans and once a month its Shark week!

Women are deep beautiful blue oceans and once a month its Shark week!

If you tell the truth about how youre feeling, it becomes funny.

If you tell the truth about how youre feeling, it becomes funny.

Hollywood is a place where a man can get stabbed in the back while climbing...

Hollywood is a place where a man can get stabbed in the back while climbing...

The arrogance of age must submit to be taught by youth.

The arrogance of age must submit to be taught by youth.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty...

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.

Old age, especially an honoured old age, has so great authority, that this is of...

Old age, especially an honoured old age, has so great authority, that this is of...

Families with babies, and families without babies are sorry for each other.

Families with babies, and families without babies are sorry for each other.

One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks...

One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks...

I hate it when the cashier's ask, 'Is that everything?' Uhh, no. I'd also like...

I hate it when the cashier's ask, 'Is that everything?' Uhh, no. I'd also like...

Boy, have you got your lions crossed.

Boy, have you got your lions crossed.

Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut...

Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut...

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one...

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one...

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but...

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but...