The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

Quote by Somerset Maugham

Topics: Funny Quotes, Witty Quotes

Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have...

Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have...

I made up my mind long ago that life was too short to do anything...

I made up my mind long ago that life was too short to do anything...

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The trouble with young writers is that they are all in their sixties.

The trouble with young writers is that they are all in their sixties.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little...

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little...

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if...

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if...

Christmas itself may be called into question, If carried so far it creates indigestion.

Christmas itself may be called into question, If carried so far it creates indigestion.

I have discovered in 20 years of moving around a ballpark, that the knowledge of...

I have discovered in 20 years of moving around a ballpark, that the knowledge of...

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.

It was one of the deadliest and heaviest feelings of my life to feel that...

It was one of the deadliest and heaviest feelings of my life to feel that...

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Congrats to LeBron James on his recent engagement and to his fiance who now leads...

Congrats to LeBron James on his recent engagement and to his fiance who now leads...

One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it's...

One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it's...

I don't get why gyms have mirrors...I know what I look like. That's why I'm...

I don't get why gyms have mirrors...I know what I look like. That's why I'm...

I'd rather be called 'Sleazy' than to be identified as intelligent.

I'd rather be called 'Sleazy' than to be identified as intelligent.

The parents age must be remembered, both for joy and anxiety.

The parents age must be remembered, both for joy and anxiety.

The profession of book-writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business.

The profession of book-writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business.

I've been aware of death since I was a little girl. My only regret willl...

I've been aware of death since I was a little girl. My only regret willl...