I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Quote by WCFields

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first...

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first...

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank...

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank...

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a...

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a...

Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank...

Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank...

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

When I came here, I couldn't speak a word of English, but my sex life...

When I came here, I couldn't speak a word of English, but my sex life...

After a day spent staring at a computer monitor, think of (a) book as a...

After a day spent staring at a computer monitor, think of (a) book as a...

Youve got to go out on a limb sometimes, because thats where the fruit is.

Youve got to go out on a limb sometimes, because thats where the fruit is.

People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about...

People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about...

Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.

Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.

Supreme art is a traditional statement of certain heroic and religious truth, passed on from...

Supreme art is a traditional statement of certain heroic and religious truth, passed on from...

Anything you cannot relinquish when it has outlived its usefulness possesses you, and in this...

Anything you cannot relinquish when it has outlived its usefulness possesses you, and in this...

What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home.

What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero...

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero...

We are not limited by our old age; we are liberated by it.

We are not limited by our old age; we are liberated by it.

What could be more beautiful than a dear old lady growing wise with age? Every...

What could be more beautiful than a dear old lady growing wise with age? Every...

The body is at its best between the ages of thirty and thirty-five; the mind...

The body is at its best between the ages of thirty and thirty-five; the mind...

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet....

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet....

Without egotism and full of feeling, laughter is the music of life.

Without egotism and full of feeling, laughter is the music of life.