Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Quote by WCFields

Topics: Children Quotes, Funny Quotes

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank...

Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank...

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a...

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a...

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at...

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at...

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank...

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank...

I only drink to make other people seem interesting.

I only drink to make other people seem interesting.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I am come into my garden, my sister, my spouse: I have gathered my myrrh...

I am come into my garden, my sister, my spouse: I have gathered my myrrh...

Thou god of our idolatry, the press. . . . Thou fountain, at which drink...

Thou god of our idolatry, the press. . . . Thou fountain, at which drink...

I saw a notice that said Drink Canada Dry and I've just started.

I saw a notice that said Drink Canada Dry and I've just started.

And one kid of the goats for a sin offering unto the LORD shall be...

And one kid of the goats for a sin offering unto the LORD shall be...

Get up and dance, get up and smile, get up and drink to the days...

Get up and dance, get up and smile, get up and drink to the days...

He(God) gave all beings souls, bodies, mouths, noses and water to drink. He gave them...

He(God) gave all beings souls, bodies, mouths, noses and water to drink. He gave them...

Eating meat and drinking liquor are demonic vices. Those indulging in drink lose all sense...

Eating meat and drinking liquor are demonic vices. Those indulging in drink lose all sense...

One drink is just right; two is too many; three are too few.

One drink is just right; two is too many; three are too few.

But do not thou yield unto them: for there lie in wait for him of...

But do not thou yield unto them: for there lie in wait for him of...

It's frightening how easy it is to commit murder in America. Just a drink too...

It's frightening how easy it is to commit murder in America. Just a drink too...

Pretty women make us BUY beer. Ugly women make us DRINK beer.

Pretty women make us BUY beer. Ugly women make us DRINK beer.

Then said Boaz unto Ruth, Hearest thou not, my daughter? Go not to glean in...

Then said Boaz unto Ruth, Hearest thou not, my daughter? Go not to glean in...

Jesus died too soon. If he had lived to my age he would have repudiated...

Jesus died too soon. If he had lived to my age he would have repudiated...