From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Quote by Groucho Marx

Topics: Funny Quotes, Putdowns Quotes

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into...

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into...

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever...

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever...

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Life lives, life dies. Life laughs, life cries. Life gives up and life tries. But...

Life lives, life dies. Life laughs, life cries. Life gives up and life tries. But...

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Home is where you hang your head

Home is where you hang your head

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it...

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it...

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does

Youre a woman whos been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and...

Youre a woman whos been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and...

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with...

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with...

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to...

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to...

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an...

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an...

I have learned from an early age to abjured the use of meat, and the...

I have learned from an early age to abjured the use of meat, and the...

I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me superman.

I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me superman.

Kelsey Grammer has launched his own website to refute stories about him in the tabloids.

Kelsey Grammer has launched his own website to refute stories about him in the tabloids.