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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them

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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I'm at the age where I want two girls In case I fall asleep they...

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I'm at the age where I want two girls In case I fall asleep they...

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all

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If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. No one showed...

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When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. No one showed...

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations. We're doing...

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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations. We're doing...

I'll tell ya my wife and I, we don't think alike She donates money to...

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I'll tell ya my wife and I, we don't think alike She donates money to...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

I don't care what people think of me. At least mosquitos find me attractive.

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I don't care what people think of me. At least mosquitos find me attractive.

A fool always finds one more fool to admire him

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A fool always finds one more fool to admire him

So many books, so little time.

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So many books, so little time.

You never know what you have until you clean your room

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You never know what you have until you clean your room

Love me, and I will move mountains to make you happy. Hurt me, and I'll...

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Love me, and I will move mountains to make you happy. Hurt me, and I'll...

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless,...

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Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless,...

Is that Vicondin? Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me

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Is that Vicondin? Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to the their level and...

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Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to the their level and...

I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.

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I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.

A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.

God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, But I know...

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God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, But I know...

Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our heart, other people walk...

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Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our heart, other people walk...

The best things in life are unseen, thats why we close our eyes when we...

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The best things in life are unseen, thats why we close our eyes when we...