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A big bear hug for you.

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A big bear hug for you.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal. but it gets boring so I go back to...

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Sometimes I pretend to be normal. but it gets boring so I go back to...

When a woman is twenty, a child deforms her; when she is thirty, he preserves...

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When a woman is twenty, a child deforms her; when she is thirty, he preserves...

It's great to have someone in your life who makes you hate yourself a little...

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It's great to have someone in your life who makes you hate yourself a little...

A glass of beer shortens your life by one minute, a glass of wine by...

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A glass of beer shortens your life by one minute, a glass of wine by...

Thing is, hope's for sissies.

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Thing is, hope's for sissies.

Stop thinking of fun and have it

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Stop thinking of fun and have it

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart !...

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I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart !...

When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying...

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When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying...

New Year's Resolutions This year I resolve to be more democratic and I've made a...

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New Year's Resolutions This year I resolve to be more democratic and I've made a...

I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid, and...

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I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid, and...

Two things are infinite the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the...

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Two things are infinite the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the...

If I had not gone into Monty Python, I probably would have stuck to my...

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If I had not gone into Monty Python, I probably would have stuck to my...

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

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Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

What computer do you have? And please don't say a white one.

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What computer do you have? And please don't say a white one.

Genius is one percent inspiration, two percent perspiration, and ninety seven percent Tesla

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Genius is one percent inspiration, two percent perspiration, and ninety seven percent Tesla

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

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When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping...

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My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping...

Most people don't have the guts to admit they'd rather be pretty than healthy. Income's...

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Most people don't have the guts to admit they'd rather be pretty than healthy. Income's...

The trouble is if you don’t spend your life yourself, other people spend it for...

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The trouble is if you don’t spend your life yourself, other people spend it for...

When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary...

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When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary...