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In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

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In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated: breast implants.

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There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated: breast implants.

"How are you going to feel when he sees you without any makeup?" "I'm not...

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When you're down Friends say: "If you need me, give me a call". Best friends...

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When you're down Friends say:

A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

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A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

The only 'B' word you should call a woman is 'beautiful' . Bitches love being...

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The only 'B' word you should call a woman is 'beautiful' . Bitches love being...

No, it was my fault for thinking that you might care

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No, it was my fault for thinking that you might care

Golden rule: I do not buy dinner to get yes. Dinner's a very intimate activity....

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Golden rule: I do not buy dinner to get yes. Dinner's a very intimate activity....

I made me laugh

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I made me laugh

OK, yes it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things...

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OK, yes it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things...

The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11...

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The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11...

God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, But I know...

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God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, But I know...

Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant. I'm just getting more awesome

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Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant. I'm just getting more awesome

Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits...

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Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits...

I can't do this anymore. I can't keep smiling and being optimistic all the time...

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I can't do this anymore. I can't keep smiling and being optimistic all the time...

A well tailored suit is to women what lingerie is to men

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A well tailored suit is to women what lingerie is to men

All I want is to find a guy like Ted who'll love me like Marshall...

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All I want is to find a guy like Ted who'll love me like Marshall...

At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how the...

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At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how the...

We treat people as letter received, we read in a hurry, but we never reread...

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We treat people as letter received, we read in a hurry, but we never reread...

Real giving is when we give to our spouses what’s important to them, whether we...

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Real giving is when we give to our spouses what’s important to them, whether we...

I love walking in the rain cause no one can see me crying

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I love walking in the rain cause no one can see me crying

I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to...

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I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to...

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I...

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It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I...