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"How are you going to feel when he sees you without any makeup?" "I'm not...

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The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11...

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The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11...

OK, yes it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things...

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OK, yes it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things...

In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

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In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated: breast implants.

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There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated: breast implants.

Golden rule: I do not buy dinner to get yes. Dinner's a very intimate activity....

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Golden rule: I do not buy dinner to get yes. Dinner's a very intimate activity....

When you're down Friends say: "If you need me, give me a call". Best friends...

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When you're down Friends say:

Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant. I'm just getting more awesome

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Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant. I'm just getting more awesome

A well tailored suit is to women what lingerie is to men

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A well tailored suit is to women what lingerie is to men

I can't do this anymore. I can't keep smiling and being optimistic all the time...

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I can't do this anymore. I can't keep smiling and being optimistic all the time...

Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits...

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Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits...

No, it was my fault for thinking that you might care

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No, it was my fault for thinking that you might care

The only 'B' word you should call a woman is 'beautiful' . Bitches love being...

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The only 'B' word you should call a woman is 'beautiful' . Bitches love being...

A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

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A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, But I know...

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God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, But I know...

I made me laugh

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I made me laugh

All I want is to find a guy like Ted who'll love me like Marshall...

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All I want is to find a guy like Ted who'll love me like Marshall...

Life is like a piano, the white keys represent happiness and the black show sadness....

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Life is like a piano, the white keys represent happiness and the black show sadness....

When it's over and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all the...

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When it's over and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all the...

Wherever you go, go with all your heart

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Wherever you go, go with all your heart

Enjoy the little things for they are the big things.

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Enjoy the little things for they are the big things.

I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to...

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I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to...

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I...

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It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I...