Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

Quote by George Burns

Topics: Drink Quotes, Funny Quotes

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a...

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a...

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city

The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got...

The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got...

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy...

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy...

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running...

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running...

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only...

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only...

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased...

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased...

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have...

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have...

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember...

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember...

Death is not evil, for it frees man from all ills and takes away his...

Death is not evil, for it frees man from all ills and takes away his...

Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.

Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.

Behold, thou hast made my days as an handbreadth; and mine age is as nothing...

Behold, thou hast made my days as an handbreadth; and mine age is as nothing...

My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex ever. Now that...

My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex ever. Now that...