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Comedy is acting out optimism.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus.

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper...

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper...

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic...

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic...

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have...

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have...

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many; and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many; and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a...

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a...

I like my wine like my women -- ready to pass out.

I like my wine like my women -- ready to pass out.

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family...

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family...

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

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If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?