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When I can't sleep, I read a book by Steve Allen.

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When I can't sleep, I read a book by Steve Allen.

I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.

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I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.

A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it...

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A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it...

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

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Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

I have no trouble with my enemies. But my goddam friends,...they are the ones that...

I have no trouble with my enemies. But my goddam friends,...they are the ones that...

I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on.

I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on.

I've given up reading books. I find it takes my mind off myself.

I've given up reading books. I find it takes my mind off myself.

I have given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.

I have given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.

A pun is the lowest form of humor - when you don't think of it...

A pun is the lowest form of humor - when you don't think of it...

Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you'll find the real tinsel underneath.

Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you'll find the real tinsel underneath.

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

So little time and so little to do.

So little time and so little to do.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the...

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the...

There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.

There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.

Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us...

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us...

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.