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They say God has existed from the beginning of time and will exist beyond the...

They say God has existed from the beginning of time and will exist beyond the...

I once dated a girl on the track team. It didn't work out. She kept...

I once dated a girl on the track team. It didn't work out. She kept...

I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the...

I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the...

What's the most popular pastime in America? Autoeroticism, hands down.

What's the most popular pastime in America? Autoeroticism, hands down.

I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.

I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.

Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is...

Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is...

Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It...

Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It...

My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail.

My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail.

Congrats to LeBron James on his recent engagement and to his fiance who now leads...

Congrats to LeBron James on his recent engagement and to his fiance who now leads...

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.

Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who...

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who...

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add...

The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add...

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on...

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on...

The problem with winter sports is that, follow me closely here, they generally take place...

The problem with winter sports is that, follow me closely here, they generally take place...

Get the right people on the bus and in the right seat.

Get the right people on the bus and in the right seat.

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you...

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you...

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned...

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned...

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She...

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She...