I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave me a lovely parting gift. It was a comb.

Quote by Scott Roeben

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the...

I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the...

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.

I once dated a girl on the track team. It didn't work out. She kept...

I once dated a girl on the track team. It didn't work out. She kept...

They say God has existed from the beginning of time and will exist beyond the...

They say God has existed from the beginning of time and will exist beyond the...

I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.

I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.

Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is...

Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is...

What's the most popular pastime in America? Autoeroticism, hands down.

What's the most popular pastime in America? Autoeroticism, hands down.

Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It...

Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It...

No one has ever come back from the other world. I can't console you, but...

No one has ever come back from the other world. I can't console you, but...

There sit the sainted sage, the bard divine, The few, whom genius gave to shine...

There sit the sainted sage, the bard divine, The few, whom genius gave to shine...

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.

I venerate old age; and I love not the man who can look without emotion...

I venerate old age; and I love not the man who can look without emotion...

I have learned from an early age to abjured the use of meat, and the...

I have learned from an early age to abjured the use of meat, and the...

No One Diets on Thanksgiving. What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set...

No One Diets on Thanksgiving. What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set...

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this...

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this...

Morality comes with the sad wisdom of age, when the sense of curiosity has withered.

Morality comes with the sad wisdom of age, when the sense of curiosity has withered.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard...

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard...

Youth is a silly, vapid state, Old age with fears and ills is rife; This...

Youth is a silly, vapid state, Old age with fears and ills is rife; This...

Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you're...

Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you're...

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

I had the best day ever, I ran into my ex girlfriend and her new...

I had the best day ever, I ran into my ex girlfriend and her new...