I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave me a lovely parting gift. It was a comb.

Quote by Scott Roeben

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

They say God has existed from the beginning of time and will exist beyond the...

They say God has existed from the beginning of time and will exist beyond the...

I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.

I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.

Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is...

Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is...

Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It...

Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It...

What's the most popular pastime in America? Autoeroticism, hands down.

What's the most popular pastime in America? Autoeroticism, hands down.

I once dated a girl on the track team. It didn't work out. She kept...

I once dated a girl on the track team. It didn't work out. She kept...

I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the...

I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the...

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.

I never did very well in mathI could never seem to persuade the teacher that...

I never did very well in mathI could never seem to persuade the teacher that...

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.

I wrote the word debauchery, but when I re-read it, I thought I had written...

I wrote the word debauchery, but when I re-read it, I thought I had written...

What do you call 500 lawyers lying on the bottom of the Ocean? A good...

What do you call 500 lawyers lying on the bottom of the Ocean? A good...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex. In fact, I...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex. In fact, I...

Hoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.

Hoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

I came in here and a fella asked me to have a drink. I said...

I came in here and a fella asked me to have a drink. I said...

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a...

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a...

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.

Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.

Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex.

When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex.