My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

Quote by Bob Hope

Topics: Funny Quotes, Parents Quotes

I'm so old they've canceled my blood type.

I'm so old they've canceled my blood type.

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants...

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants...

I love to go to Washington -- if only to be near my money.

I love to go to Washington -- if only to be near my money.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart...

If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart...

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into...

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into...

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of...

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of...

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to...

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to...

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things -...

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things -...

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies

Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants...

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants...

Every formula which expresses a law of nature is a hymn of praise to God.

Every formula which expresses a law of nature is a hymn of praise to God.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except...

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except...