My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

Quote by Bob Hope

Topics: Funny Quotes, Parents Quotes

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into...

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into...

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a...

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a...

Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?

Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot...

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot...

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that...

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that...

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing...

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing...

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you...

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you...

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things -...

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things -...

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's...

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's...

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that...

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that...

I love to go to Washington -- if only to be near my money.

I love to go to Washington -- if only to be near my money.

I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.

I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

There is the kiss of welcome and of parting, the long, lingering, loving, present one;...

There is the kiss of welcome and of parting, the long, lingering, loving, present one;...

Always remember this: 'A kiss will never miss, and after many kisses a miss becomes...

Always remember this: 'A kiss will never miss, and after many kisses a miss becomes...