I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks

Quote by Joe E Lewis

Topics: Dieting Quotes, Drinking Quotes, Funny Quotes

I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.

I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.

You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.

You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.

It pays to get drunk with the best people.

It pays to get drunk with the best people.

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

We can afford almost any mistake once.

We can afford almost any mistake once.

I drink to forget I drink.

I drink to forget I drink.

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so...

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so...

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would...

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would...

It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor as long as you've got money.

It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor as long as you've got money.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.

Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.

I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.

I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next...

I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next...

We can drink till all look blue.

We can drink till all look blue.

And he looked, and, behold, there was a cake baken on the coals, and a...

And he looked, and, behold, there was a cake baken on the coals, and a...

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.